Adding a New Sibling
I have been listening to lots of podcasts and taking in lots of information around adding a sibling to the family over the past couple of months. Here are a few simple strategies that we have been practicing and plan to keep practicing for when our new little one is here to help our oldest adapt. I know it’s going to be a challenging transition for her (especially to have to share my time and energy) and I am sure I will have more to add/edit here once our bundle of joy makes her arrival in July! Until then, this is what I have found to be most helpful and simple!
1. Set Aside 10-15 minutes of everyday to spend quality/undistracted time with your older children.
This is what I have heard is the toughest from Mama's when going from 1 to 2. I have heard over and over that one of the hardest parts is splitting your attention now between the two, or telling the older one you cannot play or cuddle due to the fact that you are feeding the little one. Putting aside some time in the morning, mid-day, or before bed to put your phone down and just BE with your toddler, on their level, can go along way both in the day and nighttime. I heard an awesome tip from a parenting coach on a podcast (I cannot recall her name) to never use the baby as an excuse when addressing your older one. For example, if you cannot play with your toddler because you do need to tend to your newborn, say something like, "I can't wait to play with you in a few minutes, but right now I am not able to", leaving it at that. Of course they may have some emotions around that boundary, and that is valid and okay, but be careful not to be blaming the baby for why your older one has to wait. It’s also important with this one to be mindful of your energy and to remember that it’s not always easy to hold the space for our toddler’s big emotions as the adults. Keeping this in mind, giving yourself grace, and also calling on your village to give help with your older one when it is possible can be helpful!
2. Prep them ahead of time. For younger ones, simply introducing dolls to play with and reading books about older siblings can help. For older ones having a conversation about the new baby, including them in baby prep around the house, name conversations, etc.
I have talked about the new baby with our older daughter for a bit now and now she is seeing the "baby items" in the home and I am talking about them too to her. We have a couple of books, including Mila's favorite, "I am going to be a Big Sister" that we read before bed. For an older toddler they may show more interest or understanding, for the younger ones it may just be them getting excited about seeing and interacting with babies!
3. Make sleep changes BEFORE the baby comes. If you can, aim to have changes implemented 2-3 months prior to baby's arrival. Try not to make any big changes to the older sib's routines within the first 2-3 months AFTER baby is born either.
We made MOST changes prior to May (which would be 2 months prior to new babies arrival). We switched Mila to a floor bed, I night weaned her and day weaned her, we shifted sleep associations, and now we are finally trying to extend the time in her bedroom. We did all of this over the past 8 or so months and are still in progress. Therefore, you can make changes to sleep whenever you want, but EXPECT your older child WILL most likely need more support from a caregiver when baby is here and you will most likely see their sleep "regress" a little. This is normal and okay! On the same note, if you can wait to make changes to sleep until after baby is born and your older one is more settled, then waiting is probably best (same with things like potty training, removing Paci’s, etc.)!
4. Make a plan with your partner about how you are going to tackle bedtime routines/night wakes with all your babies, so there is at least a template for you to start from even if it changes.
This is SO important for the functionality of your family as far as sleep! If you do nothing in preparation for sleep with your new little one and your older one (even if your older one is a solid sleeper), talk a little bit about the "what ifs". This way you can have a plan set in place just in case your older child needs more support and you are not making these decisions in the depths of sleep deprivation or at 3am. It can be as small as your partner deciding they will handle the older one's night wakes and give them extra support however that looks.