Your Baby Isn’t Manipulating You

Have you heard any of the following phrases at some point in your Motherhood journey?

“Don’t hold them too much as a newborn, they will get used to your arms…”

“If you respond to them every time they cry, they will expect you to respond to them ALL the time!” (as if that’s a bad thing…)

“They are only crying to get your attention, the less you respond, the less they will do it.”

“They are too old for night feedings, they are only crying out for you because you feed them each time they wake up. If you stop nursing them at night, they will sleep through the night.” 

These are all common statements made to parents that are based on the old adage that you can “spoil” a baby and therefore your little one can learn to manipulate you. 

These are not only false, but they are dangerous statements that do not reflect the actual biological and relational needs of infants and toddlers.

In order for one to manipulate another, by definition, infants and toddlers would need to have impulse control, critical thinking, and higher order empathy. All of these processes are managed by the prefrontal cortex of the brain. All of the sections of the brain, the prefrontal cortex is the LAST to mature (it is not complete until a person may be in their mid-twenties). Young children’s impulse control under the age of one is just about zero seconds and into their toddler years is only about 2-3 seconds. They do not have the critical thinking skills or concepts of empathy until much older. They are not capable of manipulation.

If that’s not enough, let’s talk about why newborns NEED contact and responsiveness from their caregivers.

According to one the world's leading experts on infant sleep and SIDS, Dr. James Mckenna, a baby’s heartbeat is synced with their Mother’s when they are held body to body. Humans have voluntary and involuntary systems of breath control and infants are still learning to use both at the same time (McKenna, pg.147). Just feeling the moms exhale on their face can help babies breathe more regularly and remind them to take a breath.

We have heard the saying that babies will mimic their caregivers' energy, and that is true. It is the mom's mature brain that relaxes their little one and can signal them to calm down when they are upset through a process called co-regulation. This process continues into toddlerhood and is the foundation of healthy mental and emotional health. 

Skin to skin helps with body temperature regulation because a baby can’t do that on his or her own yet. It aids in releasing more oxytocin in Mom and can help Mom cope better with the hormonal shifts postpartum. Close contact helps babies feel emotionally safe and secure as they start to get acquainted with a world that looks and feels completely different from the womb.This deep dependence on a caregiver is essential for fostering true independence down the road, as it creates a secure base for the child.  As research has shown, babies who are carried and held frequently cry less often than babies who are held less frequently.

Pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Dr. Donald Winnecott famously stated in relation to that same dyadic relationship between a Mother and her baby that, “there is no such thing as a baby, there is a baby and someone.” 

Children are wired for closeness and contact to their primary caregivers. A mother’s body is a child’s home. It is important to remember that full term babies are born 9 months premature and early babies, even more-so, when it comes to brain development. All babies rely on the contact and closeness of the caregivers to finish this external gestational period. Even if a child is 7, 8, 9, 10 months old (or older) and still desires a lot of physical contact and support from a caregiver for sleep and in the day to day, they are a completely normal child and they are not manipulating their parents. 

This need for closeness and contact reminds us too of the importance of a village. Mama does not have to be the only one who provides the contact. If you have a partner, use them. It's a great way to bond, especially if Mom is exclusively breastfeeding. Use grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends, etc. If people aren't as accessible, remind yourself that this is a short season. This deep dependence will foster independent sleep when your baby is ready for it. 

Let what you can around the house go, order food in if you can, or have people drop food off. Put your headphones in, hold or wrap that baby up, and let them get all the benefits of being close while you rest, walk, play with another child of yours, or do some light work as they sleep (if they are in a carrier-best investment)! 

Most of all, trust your instincts and know that you are aiding in the development of your baby’s brain and setting them up for healthy emotional and social development by nurturing them, holding them, and responding to them in ways that they feel supported. 

You baby is NEVER manipulating you. They are simply asking for your support and we should want them to get used to us responding to them when they are in distress…that’s a GOOD thing!

McKenna, James J., et al. Safe Infant Sleep: Expert Answers to Your Cosleeping Questions. Platypus Media, 2020.