When You and Your Partner Disagree on Baby Sleep

One of the most challenging parts of becoming a parent can be when both parents are feeling exhausted, unseen by each other, overwhelmed by the new demands of being a parent, and then expressing differences in how they want to go about approaching their little one’s sleep (or lack thereof).

From the maternal standpoint, there can be nothing more frustrating than being doubted, especially when you very strongly feel that you are following your instincts and doing what’s right for your baby. Early motherhood, and the fourth trimester especially, can be so tough on a Mama’s mind, body, and emotions, it is really the last place she wants to find herself in big disagreements with her spouse or anyone for that matter. For the fact that she simply is low on energy to begin with and her baby and possibly other children too need her energy to survive.

From a paternal standpoint, it can be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard or like there is nothing you can do to help your exhausted wife whom you really care for and wish to see thriving. You may also be helping with night wakes and it may be becoming too much for you as well.

Bottom line, a lot is at play here and communication and empathy for each other are going to be key.

Here are some tips that you can try together to get on the same page and have more restful days and nights:

1. Practice Empathetic Listening

   As Yoga teacher who has spent many years training people to be yoga teachers, one the most powerful exercises that we do in the training is the one on empathetic listening. If your partner is open to it, it can really do the job of creating a safe space needed to come to a compromise. The only hard part here is not feeling too silly, but sometimes that’s part of the fun!

   1. Sit on the bed, couch, or ground, directly across from each other, so that you can look into each other’s eyes. Take a moment to smile, laugh, hold hands, close your eyes, and just connect.

   2. Set a timer for 4 or 5 minutes. Within that time frame one person is to talk and the other is to simply look at them and LISTEN. The one rule in this practice is that there is absolutely NO interrupting. You are practicing listening to listen, no listening to respond.

   3. After the timer is set, the person who is going first talks about exactly how they feel around your little one’s sleep (leave it ALL on the table).

   4. After the timer buzzes, give each other a long hug (DO NOT respond yet).

   5. Set the timer again and switch.

   6. Give each other a long hug.

   7. Now, debrief if you feel up to it OR wait until tomorrow and let it settle in. Now at least you are both feeling more seen and heard and that can go a long way.

2. Get Some Education Together

   I speak with couples a lot in my Newborn Sleep Education Call and One Hour Call service where this is the exact issue that has led them to book the call. It actually had little to do with their child’s sleep and more to do with not understanding each other. In my Newborn Sleep Education Call I go deep into the research on attachment and sleep science that proves that responsiveness and warmth from caregivers is what a child’s growing brain needs for optimal development, as well as future mental and emotional health. I also send couples resources and research to watch/read following our call so they can truly feel that whatever they choose for their child, they are making that choice with full confidence and knowledge. I will say this too, any client I have that has attempted sleep training and is now looking for a more responsive and supportive way to make changes because that did not work in the long run or didn’t feel good, says the same thing, “I just didn’t know there was other options or any other ways to get sleep and we were exhausted OR I felt pressured into it even though I didn’t want to do it.” I can’t say it enough, education is key when it comes to sleep!

3. Reflect on and Have a Conversation about Your Childhoods

   We often parent the way we were raised, UNLESS we make a conscious choice to do it differently. This is not good or bad, it just is the way we are wired as human beings. If you don’t already know, ask your parents how they approached sleep with you as a baby and ask your spouse to do the same. Come together and talk about it. Talk about the external influences AND your internal experiences. You may find that one wants to sleep train because their parents did and have been telling them how great it was and you want to bed share because your parents did that and they told you it saved them! Again, this can help more than you think to simply recognize where the influence is coming from. Then you can talk about too how you both want to move forward. You have the freedom to do things differently.

4. Consider Couple’s Therapy.

   This one may not be accessible to everyone, but if you feel like you and your partner cannot see eye to eye on baby sleep, understanding that is just one small part of your parenting journey that you may not agree on. If you cannot have a warm conversation around baby sleep and compromise on an approach that feels good to you both, then you may be to see a therapist who can give you the tools to improve your communication with each other.

   If you are looking for support right now, please reach out to me via the contact button in this web page or schedule a free 15 minute discovery call where we can shat and see if we would be a good fit for each other.

   XX,

   Katie